I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
