my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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