kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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