i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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