the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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