Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
