In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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