only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
