allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
