Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I deserve this hangover.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
