Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
