I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
