This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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