I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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