His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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