More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
