I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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