I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
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