We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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