someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
