You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
