Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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