cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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