I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This house was built for laser tag.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
