Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
