hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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