I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
