so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
