Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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