Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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