im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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