when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
