you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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