I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
