Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
