The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
