I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
