Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
