Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
