I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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