Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
