Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
