If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
