So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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