I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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