Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
