Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
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