I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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