sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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