Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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