that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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