so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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