dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
