So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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